just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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