I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
