She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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