The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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