I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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