Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
