I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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