That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
