I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I need moral support for this bender
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
