I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
