Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
