DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.