I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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