My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
