his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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