How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
