So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
