another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
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I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
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I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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