Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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