I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
