I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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