he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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