Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
