i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
