So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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