You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
