i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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