if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
