I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
where does the pee come out of this thing
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
