I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
