four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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