I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize