when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
