every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
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I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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