Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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