I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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