And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
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Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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