I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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