I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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