I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
