You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
