he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
