god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
