ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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