so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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