I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
