I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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