we have pet lesbian snakes
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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