You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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