Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
