whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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