My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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