so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
