i barfeds in our rink
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
