you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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