Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
