i think i have two assholes
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
